Helping Your Parents: 7 Tips for Moving Forward

Maybe you have aging parents, or just one parent living alone in the family home. How do you talk to Mum or Dad about the need for more help or possibly a move to a place with more care? I have some tips, but first I need to acknowledge I was unable to persuade my Mum to move. She lived 45 minutes away from me, alone, in a rural area. Her driving was risky at best. She wasn’t eating much and was having dizzy spells. She needed more help, daily help. I was not able to do that for her, and she was adamant that she was not going anywhere and did not need any help. It took a nighttime fall and an ambulance visit to precipitate the move to a care home for her.

However, looking back on that experience with reflection from my practice as a social worker of 20 years, as well as having worked with several families and individuals in this process, I now have some pointers that might help others.

1) You are not alone: Talk to friends who have gone through this. They will tell you their stories and offer ideas that you or I haven’t come up with. More importantly, you will feel less isolated. In my case, my friend Cyndi was a godsend.

2) Bring in specialists or allies: My mum was old fashioned, and frankly only heeded the advice of men. She would turn to my husband, listen to him when she wouldn’t listen to me. Doctors, friends, these people might be able to have the conversation that you cannot.

3) Hire the help that’s needed: This follows the “better to beg forgiveness” principle. If you really think a gardener or a house cleaner is required go ahead and arrange it. You can always explain it didn’t work out if your parent remains determined not to have help, but sometimes seeing the benefits is what it takes to show it’s really not so bad.

4) Start the decluttering: Do it slowly and gradually. If there are things you look at every time you go to the house that give you dread, for your own sake start the process. “Mum, Dad, can I take that old paint in the garage, I know someone who needs it”. Honestly, they will really be glad it’s gone, and you will feel better taking some small action. But a word of caution; don’t start with the wedding china. Start with the low hanging fruit.

5) Take them to look at places: My Mum and I actually enjoyed a couple of visits to homes. It presents the option as a possibility and it gives you, the worried family member, a sense of action. You will feel that you are moving forward on their behalf. If it comes to nothing so be it, but you had a nice outing, met some nice people and now have something to talk about. Ideally the places you visit will have people your loved one knows living there (and loving it).

6) Speak with softness: If you feel the need to have a sit down chat with your folks about your worries, be gentle. Use lots of pauses. Gauge their ability to hear it. If you see body language that is saying stop, then stop. Choose a time of day that works. No one will listen to you if they are tired or hungry. Maybe drop a sentence and then come back to it later in the conversation. Sometimes planting a seed and then coming back a few days later lays groundwork.

My hope today is that you take away the following: You are not alone. There are people who can help. If you have any questions or just want to debrief your situation, simply give me a call. 250-891-5969.